Horses are my passion and I treat my horses the same way I treat my children: by giving them the greatest possible freedom and by never pressuring them to do something they don’t really want to do. I ride my mare, an Arabian who was said to be a problem-horse and not fit to ride, without a bridle or reins. Now people tend to think that you need reins to achieve control, but I have more control without them. I don’t need carrots and I don’t need spurs to teach my horse, just like I don’t need rewards or punishments to teach my children. Of course you do need something else and that something is respect. Some people think that respect is something that you are entitled too because you’re a parent, a teacher or whatever. They think that respect is something that you can demand. That’s not the sort of respect I’m talking about. A real, natural respect can not be demanded but can only be earned; it must be given freely. To earn the respect of your children (or horses or anyone for that matter) the first, and most important, requirement is self-respect. When you respect your self you will be able to set boundaries and stay true to your feelings and to who you really are. I’ll give you an example: My son Stijn, at one time, developed the habit of turning on the TV all the time. I politely asked him not to do so but that didn’t have any effect. I tried to get his mind of the TV by offering him all sorts of fun activities and keeping him occupied but that didn’t work either. After a while I became frustrated because I wasn’t able to create a positive learning environment with the TV on. Then I got angry and I demanded that he HAD to turn the TV off. That made me really dislike myself because it’s not the way I want to treat my children. Stijn wasn’t bothered by it though; my anger seemed to amuse him very much but not as much as the TV… Finally I realised that I didn’t have to compete with a TV. I found back my self-respect and did what I really wanted to do; I picked up the TV and locked it in a cupboard. That felt so good that I couldn’t help but smile. I expected Stijn to get angry at me but frankly I didn’t care. His reaction really amazed me though, because he walked up to me, gave me a kiss and said: "Well done mom." Then he took out his toys and started playing! Kids want to be able to respect their parents, but they have to feel that we’ve earned their respect. When we’re not afraid to set boundaries that reflect our true feelings and beliefs we show self-respect and that’s how we earn their respect. When children respect us they want to cooperate and we won’t need rewards nor punishments; no carrots, no spurs. Then we can give them the greatest possible freedom and let go of the reins.