We have just returned from a wonderful 10 days vacation, and apart from having a lovely relaxing time, we discovered a lot of very interesting things about ourselves and how we deal with the small stuff. This has been a different sort of vacation for us. Ordinarily, we would just pick a time to go, pack up and leave. We used to go on vacation during school term times, in order to avoid the crowds and pay less for accomodation and transport. This year however, Duncan has chosen to attend theatre school - 3 hours of drama, dance and singing every Saturday morning during school term times. This means taking a trip away whenever it suits us doesn’t happen anymore. This isn’t a sacrifice - we are really happy to be able to support him in this. We have been able to help him discover his passion - he wants to be famous, very famous. And to this end he found that all the very famous people he had read about could act, dance, sing and had spent a lot of time working on developing many skills. He spends time each day practising piano, weight lifting and trampolining at the gym several times a week. He has just finished his first term at night school learning Spanish. He has discovered his love for ballet at weekly classes and and is on his path to achieving his tae kwon do black belt. It’s very exciting to watch him make decisions on where he will next spend his time in order to pursue his dream and follow his passions.

rob-duncun1.jpg Rob & Duncun Sometimes he gets tired of it all and has asked ‘is it ok not to go to the gym tonight?’ Our usual answer is - sure, it’s ok not to go, but it’s only ever those who keep going toward their dreams who are the ones who makes their dream reality. We arware of the whole ugly parent syndrome - pushing the children and making them do activities whether they want to or not. I have found that if Duncan says - ‘can I not go’ it’s always because there is something else going on. The last week of term with theatre school found him really resisting, and after some probing we found that one of the other children had told him that he would have to sing a solo in front of the whole audience. After a quick phone to to check on this bit of news - totally untrue information - Duncan was happy to go along. We have found that with a bit of digging into the initial resistance always helps him to discover that he really does want to go, but can’t think of a way to sort out his seemingly insurmountable obstacles. I learned a valuable lesson a few years ago. I had decided that Duncan ought to go to gymnastics. He thought this was a good idea too. So me being the one who always looks for the best, decided on the big competitive gym club about 30 minutes drive away. They have an excellent reputation for preparing young children to become elite gymnasts, and had produced many national and olympic champions. Excellent! All was going well, I thought, until Duncan starting to object, not want to go, be late for sessions, and even hid his gym gear. After some digging, it turned out that while I thought it was the best gym, he thought it sucked big time. I had failed to find out what he wanted to get out of going to gym. I wanted him to be a great gymnast. He just wanted to have some fun. This gym, while being top in the competitions, was not top in the fun stakes. They pushed those kids, and bullied the ones who didn’t or couldn’t keep up the pressure on themselves. It wasn’t until I saw the whole deal from Duncan’s point of view that I realised what he was going through. Then I found out why he wanted to go to gymnastics - he wanted big muscles. That’s it. Muscles. Not the Olympics, not the medals, not the glory. Muscles. Now this, I can work with. We trawled around all the local gyms and found one which offered what he wanted. Olympic Weight Lifting! This is run by the local Police Citizens Youth Club, a 5 minute drive, and the people are nice too - they know he doesn’t want to compete, he just wants big muscles. Now that we all know exactly what he wants, we can all work together to help him achieve this. Which has other benefits not previously considered - after pointing out that people with big muscles only got there by training a couple of time every week, he is early for his sessions. Then when coach told him that big muscles come from eating the right food - Duncan has eliminate nearly all snack food, and pays close attention to what goes into making up a healthy eating regime. He has also discovered that it’s ok if the bar is heavy and it’s hard to lift the weights. It’s supposed to be. That’s the way to build muscles. This has enabled him to achieve more with his other activities - he can now say to himself- that’s hard. Good, it’s supposed to be. And he will be more determined to get it done so he can sit back and enjoy the results - a better performance at theatre school, or succeeding in a nailing down that back flip or one more time on that tricky piano piece. I have often wondered - and worried - how will he learn self discipline? How can you teach anyone that? Some people have said the only way to learn it is at the school of hard knocks, or by going to school or doing something you don’t like. I feel all of these options are lousy. The best I way I have found that helped my child learn what self discipline is, was to help him find what he is passionate about. Once you find the thing you love to do above all else, nothing to do with that will ever be too hard again. All of Duncan’s activities are now considered in the light of : Will this help to make me famous? If yes, then he is into it. If not, then it doesn’t even get another thought. So after all this intense work over the past 3 months, he really needed some time away to relax - hence the vacation. We headed up to a place called Geraldton - 5 hours drive north from Perth, up the west coast of Australia. We had even managed to arrange our business lives so that we could go get away for 10 days and not leave any great burden on our business partner. At the last minute - the night before we left - we had the great news that a contract had suddenly come through. This meant that Phil had to be home within 4 days. Duncan was initially very dissapointed, but again, after some discussions, he found that he could have his vacation and his dad too. Those first 4 days away were totally intense - just Duncan and Phil doing everything together, leaving me to laze away on the beach in solitude. This was good for us all - being the main facilitator in Duncan’s life, I found that we spend so much time together, and he spends very little time with his dad. This father and son time on vacation was perfect for us all. It gave them lots of time to be together and do all that talking about the important things, which doesn’t come up unlesss you have spent many hours in each other’s company. The swam, they fished, they dug holes and built sandcastles. For 4 days straight. Then Phil was gone back to work and Duncan and I had the rest of the time on our own - we swam, we fished, we dug holes and built sandcastles. Duncan did mention at the beginning that he was really angry that work should come ahead of him. This was dealt with in a way which left us all satisfied - we had found that it’s not the stuff that happens - it’s how you deal with what happens that counts. Now, we could choose to get all upset and angry about this or we could just look at it and say - well, that’s interesting. That is all just a part of what it means to be in business for yourself. It’s not a problem, it just is a reality. Dad has to go home in 4 days. Getting upset and angry wont change it, it will just make us all frustrated and resentful. Choose the easier option. Don’t react. It’s just: ok, that’s interesting. Time to get on with the stuff that really matters. Like sandcastles, and fishing.