by Nanda Van Gestel

My oldest son, Rutger, who is ten years old now, was born premature and is what people call a special needs child. I don’t like to label anyone so I prefer to call him a special child. I soon found out that everything in our society is so focussed on making children, in general, and especially children like my son, fit into the system. My heart told me that if I wanted to make him happy and help him reach his highest potential, that wasn’t the way to do it. Instead I had to accept him as he was and love him unconditionally. I focussed on his strenghts instead of his weaknesses, and found not only that he is exceptionally loving and sensitive, but that he is also highly intelligent. To enable him to learn, the only thing we had to do was to allow and encourage him to follow his own interests. Rutger thrived and kept amazing us, but most important of all; he was a very happy child. When he entered school at age five, all of this changed. In just a few months our son turned into a very scared and unhappy child. In school he couldn’t follow his own interests, and because he wasn’t interested in what was going on in the classroom, most of the time he escaped into his own inner world. The only way the teachers knew how to respond to this was by putting more and more pressure on him (and on me). I spent many hours talking to them but that didn’t help at all. It became very clear to me that they expected children to submit to the school system and compromise themselves, even if that would break their spirit. I wished with all my heart that I could take care of Rutgers education myself, but since school was mandatory in the Netherlands, I didn’t know how. Seeing your child suffer brings out a very brave side in a mother though, and when it came to a point that Rutger was literally sick of school and woke up every night vomiting and screaming that he didn’t want to go to school, I found the courage to follow my heart and keep him home. The teachers who had been polite until then, showed me a very different side of themselves when I didn’t obey them anymore. In fact they became pretty rude and intimidating, but that only proved to me that keeping my son home was the right thing to do. We had no idea what would happen next, but the solution came as if by magic, because at that excact time my husband was offered a job in the USA. On the internet we found out that in the USA, it is possible to educate your own children. It even had a name; home-schooling. We didn’t need long to make up our minds. We sold everything and moved to the USA. It was such an eye opener to me that what is illegal in one country is completely accepted and considered a human right in another. In the Netherlands most people thought of me as irresponsible for wanting to educate my own child, but here in the USA most people admire parents that take responsibility for their childs education. The change we saw in Rutger after our move was almost unbelievable; like a very heavy burden was lifted of his shoulders; like he finally had permission again to be who he is. It’s been four years now since our move, and from homeschooling in which you teach your children, we grew towards un-schooling in which you trust that children learn whatever they need to, when they are ready for it. This is a very natural thing for the children, it’s mostly the parents that have to learn to un-school and trust. Un-schooling is more then an education; it’s a lifestyle. We have four children in total and it’s wonderful to see how all of them have different gifts and abilities; how they grow and learn together. The older children often times read to the younger ones or help them with programs on the computer. My husband and I have learned more in the last four years then ever before due to all the different subjects our children bring up and all the questions they ask. In true education everything is connected; our children will go from Classical Music, to Art, to Architecture, to Ancient Rome and from there to Phylosophy; Plato, Phytagoras and finally Math. This way things actually make sense and there is no end to what they learn, because one subject leads to another. Just like babies and toddlers are constantly exploring the world around them and never seem to grow tired of it, so will children continue to satisfy their natural curiosity and thirst for knowledge……… unless of course they have to go to school. As for Rutger, he is doing great; he loves to read and learn and keeps amazing us with all the things he knows. What’s even more important; he is very happy again and feels proud and confident. We love living here in the USA, it liberated us all in many different ways and we are forever grateful to our Special Child who was brave enough to stay true to himself.

People often ask me this question when I tell them that we’re un-schoolers. The answer isn’t so easy; we don’t follow any sort of schedule but we just try to make every day very special. Often we succeed in doing so, but there are also days that we aren’t very productive; as long as we had a nice day and enjoyed each others company I still consider a day like that to be successful though. In our living room we have a big wall hanging with a picture of Winnie the Pooh and his friends Tigger and Piglet who are playing jump rope with the words; "It doesn’t matter what we do as long as we do it together". That’s our un-schooling motto. When we just started un-schooling I had to look at it a lot to remind myself not to try too hard. Un-schooling is a very natural thing for children to do but it didn’t always come that natural to me. I often had a tendency to teach my children at first. Because I went to school myself, part of me still thought that you could only learn if you sit behind a desk and listen to a teacher. Then when we get the teachers approval, in the form of a good grade, we have learned something, right? But if that’s true, how can it be that I don’t remember anything of all the things I’ve learned this way? And how can you explain that all the situations that have really taught me and helped me grow as a person took place outside of school in real life? My father always says that there is a big difference between knowledge and wisdom, and I think he’s right about that. Knowledge is taught in conventional schools but wisdom is something that you have to find through real life experiences. As un-schoolers we live our life and we try to learn as much as we can from every situation we encounter. Everyday, our children learn about who they are, what they believe in, what they can do and what makes them happy; now that’s wisdom. The knowledge just comes to them because they are curious about the world they live in, because they love to read and because they encounter anyone and everything with an open mind and an open heart. So what do we do all day? I think Rutger explained it very well to one of his aunts when she once asked him this question; " We do exactly as we please." he said and I can only agree.

Most people don’t have trouble understanding that it’s possible for children to learn reading and writing at home but they often do wonder about the socialization of un-schooling children. They wonder if un-schooling childeren will be able to interact with other children, if they will have enough friends or if they might get lonely. I believe that we often see our own reflection when we look at our children and a lot of us, adults, only feel comfortable when we are surrounded by others most of the time. Although I can truly enjoy the company of a good friend I also really enjoy spending time alone. I don’t need others to make me happy because I know I can find happiness within myself. I can see this same attitude reflected in my children. We have four boys and they are really close and love to learn and play together; but they also enjoy playing alone. They are excited when we get other children over to play but they don’t depend on it because they are also comfortable by themselves. The great thing about un-schooling is that children aren’t confined to a small group of classmates for friendships but can be friends with people of all ages, including their parents. In conventional schools you see a lot of peerpressure and because of that, children find it very important to be accepted and to fit in at school. Our children don’t have this need to fit in because they have a very strong sense of who they are and what’s important to them. They don’t feel the need to be accepted by others because they have learned to accept themselves. My son Rutger who had a very difficult start in life often expressed the need to spend time alone and it seemed to me that he needed that time to restore his own inner balance. I think that it’s really important to give our children the chance to spend time by themselves if they want to. There’s so much talk about socialization nowadays that we would almost forget how important it is to spend time by ourselves so we can find out who we really are. Once you’re comfortable being you, you will be comfortable around others as well. Here, in the USA, there are lots of ways in which un-schooling children can meet other children.There are all sorts of home-schooling groups and if you can’t find the right one for you, you can always start your own. The big advantage of this approach is that you can customize the amount of social time to fit your childs needs.

A while ago we had a little girl over to play at our house and she told Rutger and Stijn that she had problems doing math at school. Rutger and Stijn felt sorry for her and immediately offered to help her. They started asking her all sorts of math questions and the little girl tried hard to come up with the right answers. For both of them this was the natural thing to do; our boys asked the questions like a teacher would and the little girl tried to come up with the right answers like a student would. When I thought about it some more it made sense to me that my children felt so comfortable teaching their friend about math. As un-schoolers they are their own teacher; everything they know they’ve taught themselves and that’s why they feel that they really own their knowledge. When you own your knowledge you’ll feel confident enough to share it with and explain it to others. A few weeks later a similar incident occurred; it had been snowing and Stijn had been outside with his snowboard for days. We have a little hill in our backyard and after a lot of practicing he was finally able to snowboard down hill without falling. One of our neighbors stopped by and asked us if we were taking a break from our school program. I explained to her that snowboarding and all other snow fun was a part of our ‘program’. She then told me that she and her family had been to the ski slopes in the weekend and that her daughter had had a lesson from a professional snowboard instructor. Stijn, who overheard our conversation, asked her if her daughter really knew how to snowboard now. That wasn’t the case though; her daughter had realized that she wanted to try something else instead since snowboarding was too hard for her. "If she changes her mind" Stijn said "I’ll be happy to give her a few lessons." Then he took his board and climbed the hill again. Whether it’s math or snowboarding, when you learn it all by yourself it’s a very empowering experience. When a teacher teaches you something he is the one that owns the knowledge or skills and he is the one who decides whether or not you succeed in meeting his expectations. Best case scenario you get a good grade or praise and you feel relieved. You can be a really good student but you’re still a student. Un-schoolers, on the contrary, are their own teachers; they don’t have to meet anyone’s expectations but they often exceed their own.

Horses are my passion and I treat my horses the same way I treat my children: by giving them the greatest possible freedom and by never pressuring them to do something they don’t really want to do. I ride my mare, an Arabian who was said to be a problem-horse and not fit to ride, without a bridle or reins. Now people tend to think that you need reins to achieve control, but I have more control without them. I don’t need carrots and I don’t need spurs to teach my horse, just like I don’t need rewards or punishments to teach my children. Of course you do need something else and that something is respect. Some people think that respect is something that you are entitled too because you’re a parent, a teacher or whatever. They think that respect is something that you can demand. That’s not the sort of respect I’m talking about. A real, natural respect can not be demanded but can only be earned; it must be given freely. To earn the respect of your children (or horses or anyone for that matter) the first, and most important, requirement is self-respect. When you respect your self you will be able to set boundaries and stay true to your feelings and to who you really are. I’ll give you an example: My son Stijn, at one time, developed the habit of turning on the TV all the time. I politely asked him not to do so but that didn’t have any effect. I tried to get his mind of the TV by offering him all sorts of fun activities and keeping him occupied but that didn’t work either. After a while I became frustrated because I wasn’t able to create a positive learning environment with the TV on. Then I got angry and I demanded that he HAD to turn the TV off. That made me really dislike myself because it’s not the way I want to treat my children. Stijn wasn’t bothered by it though; my anger seemed to amuse him very much but not as much as the TV… Finally I realised that I didn’t have to compete with a TV. I found back my self-respect and did what I really wanted to do; I picked up the TV and locked it in a cupboard. That felt so good that I couldn’t help but smile. I expected Stijn to get angry at me but frankly I didn’t care. His reaction really amazed me though, because he walked up to me, gave me a kiss and said: "Well done mom." Then he took out his toys and started playing! Kids want to be able to respect their parents, but they have to feel that we’ve earned their respect. When we’re not afraid to set boundaries that reflect our true feelings and beliefs we show self-respect and that’s how we earn their respect. When children respect us they want to cooperate and we won’t need rewards nor punishments; no carrots, no spurs. Then we can give them the greatest possible freedom and let go of the reins.

As unschoolers our children hardly ever feel bored. They do feel a little bored sometimes, but when they do, it usually doesn’t last long and they don’t need my help to get over it. It often happens that, in those short moments of boredom, the most creative and exciting new projects are born. We have very active periods in which we go on many fieldtrips, start many new projects and are learning new things everyday, but we also have more quiet periods in which we stay mostly at home, don’t learn much new, but think about all we’ve learned and take time to digest it. Both the active and inactive periods are an essential part of the natural learning process. Rutger once said: "I don’t understand why children can feel bored because there’re always new books to read." Personally I believe that boredom is a side effect of the conventional school system. In school, children are taught NOT to do what they feel like and NOT to act on a sudden creative impulse or idea. Instead they learn to just sit, listen and be bored. Then, in school vacations and weekends, they can feel overwhelmed by the sudden large amount of time to spend on things they actually like; they might not even remember what gave them joy and what interested them. Boredom is unknown to a baby or toddler, at that age children are still totally fascinated with the world around them; they are naturally curious about everything. Sometimes they might be very active, while at other times they just relax, but they are never bored. Unschoolers stay like that. Their natural curiosity and fascination with the world around them will remain and as they grow so does their thirst for knowledge. An unschooling child who has just discovered why kangaroos only live in Australia will experience the same thrill as a baby who has just discovered his own toes. I think that it’s very important to allow children to be bored at times. If we offer them an activity, the minute they show any signs of boredom, we don’t give them the chance to discover what they really wanted to do. Children who have attended a conventional school and then start unschooling might feel very bored at first. Don’t think that they’re wasting their time though, because if they eventually discover what really gives them joy and what really interests them it’s time well spend.

I believe that you can learn almost anything through books. It’s hard to think of a subject where nobody has written a book about yet. By reading a good book you can take a look inside someone’s mind and heart. There’re as many different books as there’re different people; as many books as opinions. I grew up in a family where everyone loved books so I saw a lot of reading and was read to a lot as well. This way I naturally developed a love for reading. When I entered high school I HAD to read books and it almost killed my love for reading. Suddenly books weren’t my intimate friends anymore but instead they seemed part of the teacher-school conspiracy. I have always found that the right book will come into my life at the exact right time, but in high school I was forced to read books that someone else had picked out; it took the whole fun out of reading. Luckily my love for books survived so I can pass it on to my children now. For Rutger books have always been especially important. Since he has some physical challenges, and learned to walk on a later age than usual, books were his favourite way to explore the world and they still are.

Because they read so much my children often experience that there are many different opinions about a subject. I think that’s wonderful because they don’t automatically assume that things are a certain way, like they would when they would learn from one teacher. Instead they learn to think for themselves, take all the information they’ve gathered in account, and then form their own opinion. We visit our local library at least twice a week and the boys usually come in with long wish lists with books, software and educational video’s they want to check out. Here, in the USA, the library is an unschoolers paradise; everything’s for free and you can check out as many things as you like. Every time we come home with big bags full of books and other educational material. In the winter we sit down to read in front of the fire and drink hot cocoa, while in the summer we love to read in the shade of a big tree with some cool lemonade. The older children often read by themselves but they also enjoy reading to the younger ones, as do I. The best way to teach your children how to read is simply by reading to them as often as you can. When they’re ready to read they’ll just take of on their own. Children can be ready to read at different ages. My oldest son, Rutger, was reading by himself at age 5 because books were his main interest. My second son, Stijn, didn’t read until he was 8 but once he decided he wanted to learn to read he learned real fast. Some children will read as early as 4 while others might not be interested until they’re 12. As long as your child doesn’t read by himself you’ll help him most by reading to him and not pressuring him to start reading on his own. That way you can give your child a lifelong love for reading and that’s way better, in my opinion, than teaching them to read at a certain age and killing their love for reading in the process.

These days children go to preschool earlier than ever. I remember that people started asking me if I had already enrolled Rutger for preschool when he was one year old! "If you don’t get him on the waiting list now, you won’t get him in when he’s two" they warned me. When I’d explain that I had no intention to let him go to preschool at all the usual response was; "But it’s so much fun for children in preschool; they learn so much and they can play with other children too." At that I would explain that Rutger and I were having a lot of fun at home and that he learned a lot too and if he wanted to play with another child we could always invite someone, couldn’t we? Finally the last and most important reason to put your child in preschool was mentioned: "But honestly, isn’t it great to have time for yourself again?" Ha, I would think so that’s the REAL reason that most mothers want their child to attend preschool or a day-care facility as soon as possible! Now, I’m not surprised that mothers long for their children to attend school and for themselves to have peace and quiet again. If I look around, especially here in the USA, I can see that many mothers are always very busy to correct their child’s behaviour; that must be pretty tiring… If you, on the other hand, can look at your children in a different way and start enjoying their company, the job of a mom (or dad) suddenly becomes a lot easier. Yesterday was a typical day for us, unschoolers, we had to go out to do some grocery shopping but the sun was shining brightly and we decided to go to the park instead. This particular park is located at a lake with a nice little sandy beach. We had taken a picnic lunch and were playing in the sand, making sandcastles and baking ‘cakes’, when Rutger "accidentally" dropped the bal in the water. We had no other choice but to take off our shoes and go in the water. When we were finally done playing we were all covered in sand and our clothes were a bit wetter than I had planned, but boy we’d had a wonderful and relaxing afternoon. We still needed groceries so we went to a store on our way home. "Homeschoolers, I suppose?" the lady at the check-out asked. "Yeah" she continued "I can always tell." I was surprised, but when I looked around I had to admit that we were the only ones with sandy shoes, wet clothes, red cheeks and a very happy expression on our faces, on a regular weekday in October. One of the great advantages of being a mom is that it’s the best excuse for enjoying yourself. You can play with Lego’s, build a sandcastle or go to the playground all in the name of motherhood. If you’ve forgotten how to play and have fun your children will be happy to teach you. Unschooling gives you the opportunity to truly enjoy your children and life itself. So much so that you won’t feel the need to send them off to school in order to have some ‘time off’

When I was pregnant and announced that I would quit my job, after the baby was born, a lot of people didn’t understand. "Aren’t you afraid that you won’t be able to talk about anything else but diapers after a while?" they would often ask me. I believe that it all depends on the way you experience motherhood: if you’re only aware of the material aspect and think that motherhood is all about changing diapers and making sure your children are dressed and well fed, than it could indeed become mind numbing after a while. When you realize that you’re also responsible for your child’s emotional well being motherhood becomes a lot more interesting and when you’re also aware of the spiritual aspect motherhood will become an extremely satisfying and interesting job. Holistic parenting, taking care off the physical, emotional and spiritual well being of your children, will help them to grow into happy and healthy adults while, at the same time, it will help you to become more aware of who you really are. When I announced that I wanted to take care of my children’s education by myself the reactions from others weren’t usually understanding. "That’s a huge responsibility; I would never dare to do it." and "How can children learn when they don’t go to school?" Just like in Holistic Parenting it all depends on your own personal awareness. I had already experienced what Holistic Parenting could do for my children and our entire family and now I wanted to expand that philosophy to their education. When Rutger couldn’t cope with the schoolsystem anymore it gave us a reason to start unschooling, but the deeper underlying philosophy was my holistic approach to motherhood and education. Unschooling allows children to follow their own, individual, learning path. As a mom I am there to encourage them and advise them and lovingly lead them back on to their path whenever they have lost track of it. The children learn to follow their hearts and pursue their interests; they learn to take responsibility for their own personal growth. As a mother you have to have a certain level of spiritual awareness to be able to guide them in this way; you have to work on your own personal growth as well. The universe has intended for mother and child to grow and learn together though, and you will find that you’re the perfect ‘teacher’ for your child just like your child is the perfect ‘teacher’ for you. Of course there are also schools which have a holistic approach to education; like the Steiner Schools. Still, it’s a different situation altogether. Unschooling is like a home cooked meal that you’ve prepared with love and that contains all of your child’s preferences while a Steiner School will prepare a lovely, healthy meal in which your child’s preferences may or may not be included. They can’t possibly make something totally different for each child. It also depends on the teacher: I believe that the most important thing about Holistic parenting and Education is to be able to see the loving essence, the light, within a child. Nobody is better at that then a child’s own mother and when you become more spiritual aware your own light becomes brighter and it will become easier to see it reflected within your children. It’s a life long mission to guide your children in this way and personally I think it’s impossible to do in a classroom with say twenty kids, without compromising the quality of education.

I think I was about eight years old when my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. "Mother and Cowboy" I answered without any hesitation. My mother smiled "Well," she said " I’m quiet sure you’ll be a mother, but a mother AND a cowboy? At the same time? I’m not sure if that’s possible… You would have to move to America and that’s very far away, you know." Luckily she told me that she wasn’t sure if it was possible; that meant that there was still a chance. When I have to describe my life now, almost thirty years later I’d have to say that I’m a mother and a cowboy. First and for all I’m a mother to my four children but whenever I have the chance I pull on my cowboy boots and jump on my horse…in America. Children often know exactly what they want to do and unschooling helps them to follow their interests and make their dreams come true. My son Rutger says that he’s going to travel to Tibet, when he’s old enough, to free the Tibetan people from the Chinese oppression. I had to smile when he told me this and just like my mother I have my doubts… But who am I to tell Rutger that it’s not possible? My job isn’t to tell him what he can’t do, but to encourage him to believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to. That’s why I encourage him to follow his interests and pursue his dreams. Stijn, age 7, writes and sings the most wonderful songs and he often gives concerts for family and friends. He is also extremely interested in (and good at) math because he wants to become a rock star when he grows up and make loads of money of course! My husband and I both smile when he talks about his dream of being a rich rock star. We often tell our children that money isn’t important and that there’re more valuable things in live than material possessions, but who are we to take his dream away? When my husband was still a child he knew he wanted to be a saxophone player. Everyone told him that it wasn’t possible to make a living that way so he gave up on his dream and chose a business career instead. Now that he is forty he realizes that he feels most happy when he’s on stage playing the saxophone during the weekend and he has decided to make his childhood dream come true after all. He sometimes wishes that he had Stijn’s confidence. I think we all know deep down inside what makes us who we are; what our ‘mission’ in life is. We all carry beautiful gifts that we need to share with the world. Unschooling allows children to discover their gifts and learn whatever they need to learn to be their best possible self and that’s the only way that leads to happiness.